Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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