God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
