I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
