Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
