you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
