dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
