; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
