Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dicks are not precious.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
