I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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