My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
