The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
