just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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