I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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