Define "chronic" masturbator.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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