Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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