I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
