My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
