my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He passed out mid-signature
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
