Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
