I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
