I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
