I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
