Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
