I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
