I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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