First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
