I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
