two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
