I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
