Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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