well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
