i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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