We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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