stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
