Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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