so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
