he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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