She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
