If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The uberlube is also flammable
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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