I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
