Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
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