Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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