Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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