Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
