ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
