I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
