I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
