i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize