I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
