I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
