for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
