Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Blood and glitter go together right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
