I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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