dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You dont lie about slip and slides
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
